Paid Programming
by Cynergy
Summary: What happens when Tidus gets caught with his hands in his pants, while watching...infomercials? Read on to find out! R & R!


**Paid Programming**   
    By Cynergy

_A/N - If you are a fan of Tidus, then I truly question your taste. I dedicate this fan-fic to the most homosexual character Square has created up to date. If you disagree, then write your own fan-fic. R & R!_

* * *

Glimmering portholes on the wall flickered with tacit static, droning endlessly in the night. Only the melodic crashes of nocturnal waves could be heard, bathing in the humid air. Outside, the sky remained empty, a vast space of boundless darkness, consuming the starless universe.

Instantly, the largest porthole sparkled with life, the silver blur forming a prismatic bouquet of vivid colors. When the picture began to crystallize, a rowdy voice masked in a tone of deceit seeped from the screen.

The infomercial soon awoke Tidus, who had been lying on the couch, with Yuna wrapped in his slender arms. She remained deep in slumber.

"Now seriously, does this really work? I mean honestly, toned abs in seven minutes? This is a dream for any blitzball player, folks," spoke a tender female voice from the television. She basked a wide smile, but her dispassionate, hazel eyes betrayed her appearance. She seemed as if she hardly knew what it was she was even selling; and even if she did, she would never purchase it herself. As long as her teeth were white and her cleavage was ample, she could care less.

But this was not what interested Tidus. No, something else on the porthole screen detained his fervent gaze. With his free hand, he swiftly grabbed the remote control and muted the speakers, as not to awake Yuna from her sleep. Then his hands leisurely traveled down to his throbbing manhood, wiggling the needle-sized pointer in his fingertips. His eyes remained on the screen where--

--two burly men in strapping biceps were flexing vainly toward the camera. Tidus could hardly sustain the drool that began to salivate from his tongue. The other performer stood tall, his beefy hands against his waist, in an arrogant and egotistical pose; the poster boy for Superman. But who cares! They were topless! And that was all that pleased the panting Tidus.

Until he woke Yuna with an earsplitting, feverish moan.

"Tidus? W--What're you doing up so late?" she asked groggily.

He fumbled with the remote, slightly frightened to hear her reaction; yet angered to have her disrupt him. He quickly flipped through a couple of channels before he responded.

"Oh, well, you see I was--well, I was just, you know, watching some television here. Yeah, that's all," he replied.

She sheepishly turned her head toward the gleaming porthole screen, only to find herself watching two nude female blondes lashing each other in black leather whips and collars.

_Woops._

Yuna sat up firm and hastily veered away from him.

"Tidus! How could--"

"--What?! No, no! I was just browsing through a bunch of stations and you, you just happened to wake up when it came across this channel! I swear!" He stood up helplessly. Dazed and confused.

"You! You disgusting pervert!" she howled.

The side door of the cruiser squealed open.

"Lord, what is going on here?! Why _all_ this racket?!" Lulu asked, as she stormed in.

On the muted screen, the camera centered on the face of a luscious blonde, her eyes clenched tight and her mouth stretched wide.

"_Yuna_!" Lulu cried out.

"It was Tidus!" she replied, leaping to her feet. Her nostrils flared. Her teeth seethed with unprecedented rage.

"No way, Lulu! Don't listen to her; she's hysterical!" he said.

In stepped the massive Wakka from behind, his brawny arms wrapped around his bare chest. When Tidus caught a glimpse of him, he could feel his bladder straining against his will.

"Hey, hey! Why you all got to go and wake up Wakka, eh?"

Lulu gladly explained the situation.

"Tidus, here, has been _forcing_ our high summoner to watch this grotesque television show of his."

"What?! No! You guys are all getting it wrong! I don't even like women!" Tidus exclaimed. He immediately realized his flagrant blunder. "Lesbians, that is."

"You watching the spice channel, ya?" Wakka said.

Lulu pitched him a stern and menacing glare.

"And how would _you_ know what channel this is, Wakka?!"

"Oh well, eh, you see--that blonde there; her name is Cinnamon, and the other--"

"Enough!" Lulu snarled viciously. Her growl seemed hauntingly primal. Cannibalistic. "Yuna, give me your hand! We are leaving!" Yuna, who had been quietly swallowed by the shadows, cowering from the conversation, meekly took the hand of the gothic sorceress as she was led out of the room.

"That was some show, no?" Wakka asked.

Tidus remained speechless, his forehead damp with perspiration.

"I never knew you were into lesbians. A bit extreme, ya?"

"I'm not into lesbians," Tidus replied dolefully.

"Well, if you ever want to see more, I got a whole collection in my room. So don't be shy to ask, ya?" He winked childishly.

_Was this an invitation? Wakka? Asking me to his room? Wakka? Bedroom? Mmmm._

"I sure will!" Tidus replied enthusiastically.


End file.
